A gift for the man who really needs nothing

We are rapidly closing in on the hundredth anniversary of President Russell M. Nelson’s birth.  I hope he makes it.  I’m praying that he makes it.  (No, I don’t have any reliable insider information to the contrary; I simply recognize the fact that a man in his hundredth year is, by most post-diluvian standards, really old and that, according to the actuarial data, really old people occasionally die.)

I expect that you’re aware of the request that President Nelson has made to those who might want to celebrate his birthday:

This is a great invitation, a marvelous challenge.  Imagine the impact it would have if every member of the Church were to act upon it.  Think of the great good that would be done, the benefits that would result.  I’m trying to take it very seriously and, thus, to fulfill President Nelson’s request.

And, while I’m at it, you may want to mark this on your calendar:  “Church announces broadcast to honor President Russell M. Nelson’s 100th birthday on Sept. 9: The 75-minute broadcast will celebrate President Nelson’s life and teachings and his ministry as the church’s prophet since 2018”

These announcements allegedly appeared in apparently non-Latter-day Saint church bulletins or were announced at church services.  I thought them quite funny, and I’ve had a very long day — four very long days in a row, for that matter — so I’m sharing them with you.  Please enjoy:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts   are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon
tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is
Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use
the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up: The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:      ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

This news item worries me on religious freedom grounds, and I wonder — “The law requires clerics to have theology degrees” — what implications it may have for any Latter-day Saint congregations that may be there in the country:  “Rwanda government shuts more than 5,000 churches, claiming code violations: ‘The government gave us five years to comply and kept giving us reminders. That ended last year in September,’ said Anglican Archbishop Laurent Mbanda.”

The economically-minded cynic in me can easily imagine that Catholic and Anglican clergy, who are formally trained for the ministry, might welcome a law that forbids people lacking theological degrees from functioning as pastors and church leaders.  It’s rather like professional barbers demanding state licensure of people who give haircuts, or taxi drivers seeking the help of the state in limiting (or eliminating) Uber and Lyft.  Restricting competition has obvious advantages for those who haven’t been restricted.

But now for an abrupt change of subject:   This is nothing short of horrible.  I’m astonished and appalled that, in at least some circles in Europe and even the United States, it seems to be the 1920s and 1930s all over again:  “An open call to murder Jews in a Belgian magazine: The pain caused by contemporary antisemitism is partly rooted in the fact that we can’t ignore it.”  How is it even possible that such ideas and attitudes still exist?  Did we really learn nothing from our experience with Hitler and the Nazis?