Compassionate Listening: What Is It?

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” With this insightful sentence, acclaimed Christian writer C.S. Lewis expressed a truth most of us can easily understand. People need to feel connected and validated by a listener who thinks, feels, or suffers as they do—compassionate listening.

An article titled "Why Christians Should Listen More Than We Speak" noted the importance of being "quick to listen and slow to speak," which today "is rare." The author pleaded, "Let's choose to listen first." Those who have felt like "the only one" will be depressed, not impressed, when a conversation begins with a speaker's perfections.

The reason is explained by David Mathis, who wrote a book on Christian leadership. "Good listening is an act of love . . . [which] goes hand in hand with the mind-set of Christ." Compassionate listening focuses on others' needs and interests, in patience and kindness,

Half-Ear Listening

A worldwide Christian leader, traveling extensively with a worldwide a governmental leader and ambassador, wrote of his companion, David M. Kennedy, he "would listen to individuals' sentiments." In every nation, Dr. Kennedy "not only looked eye to eye and listened with real intent, but he even removed his reading glasses as if to show that he wanted nothing in the way of his total concentration."

How often is a cell phone placed conspicuously in front the listener(s) during a conversation, with the rude interruption "I have to take this" when it pings (or whatever it does). Pings are more important than the one(s) conversing. This has been accurately labeled "half -ear listening." We're sure that almost everyone has been half-eared, and no one likes it.

Most Christians are familiar with the half-ear experiences of Joseph, son of Jacob (Israel) during his early years. Perhaps he deserved to be half-eared when as a boy he enjoyed telling his jealous, contentious brothers about his dreams that they would bow down to him. Some fraction of their ears seems to have noticed, hated, and become violent. They sold Joseph into Egyptian slavery.

In Egypt things were going well for Joseph in the house of Potiphar before this master's wife attempted to corrupt Joseph. He escaped, but her scheming and lying sent him to prison—no chance anyone would listen to a slave with any part of an ear.

While in prison Joseph listened with both ears to the dreams of his fellow prisoners and was able to interpret the dreams and prophesy. But at least one of them had only half-eared Joseph; after being released himself, he forgot Joseph for two years—until the troubled dreamer was Pharoah.

Pharoah was desperate enough to give both ears to Joseph, listening to the meaning of the dream and to Joseph's plan for saving Egypt from the famine it foretold. As Pharoah listened carefully and purposefully to Joseph, the plan was successful and Joseph became second in power only to Pharaoh. Everyone was now listening to Joseph with both ears—honoring and obeying. Even his brothers, when they got to Egypt desperate to buy food.

We are blessed that the Lord's plans cannot be thwarted by humans' careless listening.

Shared Learning

As Proverbs 20:5 teaches, " Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out." Mathis brought in deep, significant meaning.

Good listening is a great means of grace in the dynamic of true Christian fellowship. Not only is it a channel through which God continues to pour his grace into our lives, but it’s also his way of using us as his means of grace in the lives of others. It may be one of the hardest things we learn to do, but we will find it worth every ounce of effort.

Alan T. Phillips, a worldwide Christian leader from England, agreed. "One of our divine responsibilities is to care for those in need . . .'bear one another's burdens . . . mourn with those that mourn . . . and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.'" He continued, "This is even more important when our fellow travelers feel lost, alone, forgotten, or removed. We do not have to look far to find people who are struggling."

To serve them in these ways, we have to know them in these ways. We learn to know the deepest feelings, relationships, hopes, fears, motivations, sorrows, and joys as we offer compassionate listening. These soul-stirring experiences bless both confider and confidant.

As we draw out the "deep water" in each other's lives, our own thirst for understanding, knowledge, sensitivity, and spirituality can be satisfied.

Knowing and listening respectfully can reduce potential contention and negativity. Ruth Renlund, an experienced, capable, and successful lawyer, learned to advocate opposing views without anger or rudeness. To the opponent's legal counsel, she would say something like this: “I can see we are not going to agree on this issue. I like you. I respect your opinion. I hope you can offer me the same courtesy.” Ruth's husband observed, "Often this allowed for mutual respect and even friendship despite differences."

Compassionate Listening

Our Savior's compassion is infinite. As Irish-English Christian leader Patrick Kearon emphasized, "Infinite means infinite. Infinite covers you and those you love."

Infinite covers everything Christ is, does, knows, and loves, as well as everything He has created and every blessing He offers. He invites us to extend His blessings, including compassionate listening, to all who will accept them.

Christ's Compassionate Listening

The Savior provided a deeply meaningful example of compassionate listening in His interaction with the Samaritan woman at the well. He knew everything about the woman, including when she would be at "Jacob's well," a deeply symbolic place for Samaritans, as Jesus understood. It was on ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph, and it had become a symbol of this ancestry. Jesus also knew how best to approach, listen to, and gently lead the reasoning of this woman to the truth,

The sight of a Jew sitting on the revered well definitely caught her attention. Both were aware of the traditional enmity between Jews and Samaritans; but He also knew there was a rich harvest of Samaritans waiting to be gathered. He let her ask the first real question and explain her surprise: "for the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans."

He brought up the next point with brief mention of "living water," letting her reason through the problems of well depth and His lack of container. He let her carry through to her conclusion that only one greater than Jacob himself could furnish water that would prevent more tiresome trips to the well.

He showed His knowledge of her but without openly condemning her, asking for her husband; when she said she had none, He agreed. He showed what he knew of her life, mentioning that she had had five husbands and was then living with a man who was not even a sixth husband. He did not speak judgment or slip in a lecture; he kept the focus on her questions and thoughts.

He did not identify himself, but let her recognize for herself that He was a "prophet." Allowing her to consider her own heritage, he gently guided her in making connections. "I know that Messias cometh, which is called Christ: when he is come, he will tell us all things."

As the apostles approached, He identified Himself as Christ. The unoffended and now thoroughly converted woman eagerly shared her experience with the whole village. Many Samaritans came, were converted, and begged Him to remain with them, which He did for an entire two days. He knew, of course, that this would happen; but none of the rest of them—disciples or Samaritans—could have predicted it.

Empathic Listening

Many psychology professionals define empathy as "the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another." They affirm, "Developing empathy is crucial for establishing relationships and behaving compassionately. It involves experiencing another person’s point of view, rather than just one’s own, and enables prosocial or helping behaviors that come from within, rather than being forced." What a beautiful, detailed, and accurate way of expressing the compassionate relationships Jesus lived and taught.

The Crisis Prevention Institute has published a list of "Tips for Empathic Listening." Crisis is not necessary, but feelings and genuine consideration are. These are described and applied below as Christians may find them helpful. (Only a few words are taken from "Tips," designated with quotation marks.)

• Listen without judgment. People who are afraid of being judged do not open up what they are really thinking, feeling, hoping, fearing, or otherwise internally processing—who and what they really are—to someone they think will judge or label them. They need to share with trust.

• Give "your undivided attention." Let nothing distract or divert your empathic relationship with your companion. When you know that confidences are going to be shared with you, turn off all devices; you may want to offer prayer as well. Temporarily keep the world out and let the Holy Spirit in to help you.

Focus on feelings and facts. You trust that God knows everything and understands and cares how each individual is affected. You may be blessed to be able to share your trust with your companion(s).

• Be conscious of non-verbal messages that might interfere with empathetic listening. Factors like tone of voice, body language (including posture), or habitual gestures—by listener or companion—can affect how messages are expressed and received. If the conversation is planned or anticipated, such things can be purposefully controlled. With unanticipated confidences, one's natural empathy and guidance and/or intervention by the Holy Spirit can enable life-changing compassion.

• Welcome silence—don't fear it. Meaningful, empathic relationships require thought and processing. Unexpected insights and communication should not (cannot) be rushed. Sometimes a quick non-verbal prayer needs to be offered with time to receive guidance and apply it. A pause can be a blessing.

• "Restate and paraphrase." Both the compassionate listener and the companion are human, and the words they use are natural language. Both need to be sure that they are hearing and interpreting the words the same way. Actually hearing their words and phases spoken by the other in the other's voice and context gives them a valuable meaning-check as the other receives this check as well.

Compassionate listening, emphatic listening—Christian listening, heaven-blessed listening. Listening with both ears, listening as we learn from the scriptures, listening to perceive and feel as the speaker does. Perhaps we should all pray to listen as Jesus would.