For Those Who’ve Had Enough Tough Love

I’m sick of all the “tough love” posts on social media.

For some reason, there’s been a rash of memes extolling the virtues of beating children (I won’t stoop to euphemisms – that’s what it is). There are no virtues to beating children. If you advocate beating children because you were beaten and you “turned out just fine” you did not, in fact, turn out fine. Be the adult you’re supposed to be and figure out how to teach your kids what they need to learn without traumatizing them.

If that’s all you know because that’s what your parents did to you, I’m very sorry – you have my sincere sympathies. But get help so your kids have a safer childhood than you did.

That’s far from all that motivated this post.

I’ve seen memes talking about how your ancestors who survived ice ages are so disappointed because you have anxiety around social interactions.

Except anxiety is not new. It’s part of being human. Some of us handle it well, others not so well. Those who didn’t handle it well in the past were usually shamed into compliance, or turned into cannon fodder.

And then there are the ones ridiculing “men today” because they don’t have the mechanical skills previous generations had… largely because those skills are so rarely needed they’ve become obsolete.

Women have it worse. Whether they have children or not, whether they have a career or not, someone is going to tell them they’re doing it wrong and will regret it when they’re old.

I know memes aren’t serious discourse – they’re intended to provoke an emotional response. But they’re being shared over and over again because people agree with them – in some cases, people I thought knew better.

I’ve challenged a few of them. The usual response is “I’m just being honest.” No, you’re not. You’re trying to make yourself feel superior and you’re being cruel in the process. You aren’t General Patton – who, let’s remember, was forced to apologize by General Eisenhower.

The world is stressful right now. If you’re handling everything just fine, your job isn’t to toughen people up. Your job is to be on the front lines building a better world where people don’t have to be tough. If you’re dishing out callousness and cruelty and calling it honesty or reality or worst of all, love, just stop. If you can’t make things better for people who are suffering, at least don’t make things worse.

And that’s all I have to say to the people who are treating others in this way.

If you’ve been hearing tough love and it’s just making things worse, read on.

You feel what you feel

This is what honesty really is: you feel what you feel. Other people may think you’re overreacting. Maybe you are, but that’s for you to say, not anyone else. The fact that other people have things worse doesn’t make it any easier for you to deal with whatever you have to deal with.

Maybe how you’re expressing those feelings is causing tension – other people feel what they feel too. Or maybe they just don’t care. In the moment that doesn’t really matter. If you’re hearing abuse masquerading as tough love, get away. Leave the room, delete the text, get off social media.

You don’t have to like it, but you do have to deal with it

The world isn’t fair. We could make it a lot more fair than it is, but collectively we choose not to. That’s another rant for another time.

Death and disease are part of the realities of life. Our socio-economic system requires people to “make a living” and then severely limits the ways in which that can be done. One of the purposes of religion – of good religion, anyway – is to help us understand the harsh realities of life and then to deal with them.

Figure out how you’re going to deal with it – whatever “it” is – without losing your soul in the process.

If you absolutely can’t deal with it, then get help. I’ve had more than a few “I just can’t” moments in recent months, but they passed before they caused me to miss critical deadlines and commitments. I’ve also had some invaluable help from a few close friends. First do no harm, including harm to yourself, including harm caused by inaction. Then go look for help.

Do the best you can, right now

Doing something to make things better is better than doing nothing. The smallest forward motion can be enough to start building momentum toward better days. If that’s not good enough for the tough love advocates, then to hell with them.

As I discussed in the Divination for 2024, if I had taken my own advice – if I had done what my own Tarot reading told me to do and kept my focus on the business at hand – I would have had a much better and much more pleasant 2023.

It’s good to have a long term vision and a plan to get you there. But all of that is dependent on doing what you can, when you can, including right now.

Raise your shields

Maybe you’re not collapsed on the floor with some life coach wannabe screaming at you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Maybe you’re just a bit overloaded at the moment. Maybe the normal give and take of life has gotten personal. You don’t need a miracle, you just need a break.

Raise your shields. Recharge them, and then keep recharging them on a regular basis. I recharge mine every morning as part of my first cycle of prayers.

Don’t know how to shield? I teach that in my Introduction to Pagan Spiritual Practice course. Mat Auryn teaches it in his book Psychic Witch. Amy Blackthorn teaches it in Blackthorn’s Protection Magic. There are many other resources for shielding, and while some are better than others, most are at least adequate.

Put a barrier between you and whatever – or whoever – is causing you stress.

Maintain your sacred relationships

The Morrigan is a Battle Goddess. She’s not likely to keep you stress-free, but She is likely to help you learn to fight effectively. Cernunnos is a God of the Wild. He’s not likely to make you comfortable, but He is likely to show you how to navigate dangerous situations. Unlike what the “tough love” memes say, your ancestors are likely to be impressed you’ve done as well as you have dealing with a world that’s far more complicated than they could ever imagine. They’ll do what they can to help – most of them, anyway.

We build our sacred relationships in ordinary times and we maintain them in bad times. That way they’re there for us when we need them most.

Maintain your prayers, meditations, and offerings even when things are difficult. Especially when things are difficult.

Refill your cup

In an emergency we do what we have to do. But what you can do for a day or two is very different from what you can do day in and day out for weeks or months at a time. You’re no good to yourself or anyone else if you’re running on fumes all the time.

Don’t believe me? Listen to Capt. Chris Hill, captain of the nuclear powered aircraft carrier USS Dwight D. Eisenhower: “Sleep is a tactical edge … To be healthy, you need 7-9 hours around the same time daily. The goal is to make the enemy sleepless, not your own people!”

Get enough sleep. Eat good food. Drink plenty of water, and drink other things in moderation. Remember you’re an animal – your body needs to move and sweat, preferably outdoors.

And find joy at least occasionally, even if you have to schedule it.

Your life – your choices

For some, “tough love” is a punch in the face when they need a hand up. For others, it’s insult added to injury. And for many, it’s a tiny cut that on its own means nothing, but when combined with dozens and dozens of other minor cuts, adds up to a significant incapacity.

Here’s the thing to remember: it’s your life. You get to live it the way you want to live it.

And also, if you don’t live it your way, intentionally and on purpose, you’ll live it according to someone else’s wants and desires – someone who likely doesn’t have your best interests at heart, even if they claim they do (“I’m just being honest!”).

Of course there are limits – all of life has limits. I couldn’t be a professional baseball player because I wasn’t born with the necessary physical abilities. Actions have consequences, and the older you get the more doors close. But within these constraints, you can live the way you want to live.

You want to live an aggressive, “be all you can be” life? Go for it – take your risks.

You want to live a quiet, sheltered life? Withdraw and build your castle.

And whether you can say it to their face or if discretion requires you to keep it to yourself, tell those pushing “tough love” to mind their own damn business.