A 30th Wedding Anniversary Tribute–family first

A 30th wedding anniversary tribute to the daily struggle of remaining in organized religion

–no parent should have to choose between the lives and well-being of their family or the Church
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Last night I watched a documentary film of a current-day Russian Orthodox family living under the leadership of Vladimir Putin in Russia. The father is a Russian Orthodox priest while the mother birthed, cares for 18 typical and healthy biological children (for the most part), the wife doesn’t work, and they live in a very large house paid for by Vladimir Putin and Russian Orthodox Church. Is this a possible reality for most current-day married couples even if they want to have a large traditional religious family like this? The answer is an empathic “NO!” Me as a wife of 30 years and mother of young adults who originally set out to have a large traditional religious family (five to six children), as an Educational Therapist who has devoted my career to families with disabled children, I can confirm this with absolute certainty. “All of the stars have to align” biologically, medically, circumstantially, and financially for a family like this to exist, especially if the family has Neurodivergent and/or LGBTQ+ children and/or one of the parents cannot deliver due to life-altering health issues or unhelped circumstances. There are more factors outside of a married couple’s control than factors which are within the family’s capabilities.

I’m going to use my own family as the example to illustrate why all of this is reality while honoring the privacy and consent of my young adult children, so I will not use names or specific instances of them except Sam who did give me limited permission. Most modern-day families are incapable of meeting the large traditional family expectation for one reason or another. The traditional family model can never be forced, either within or outside the Church, not because of family decisions and choices made but due to external factors. I’m thrilled for those who are capable, and the key word is “capable.” Therefore, no family outside of the large traditional nuclear family, no matter how different they may seem, should be viewed as “less than” when it comes to inclusion of all types of families, both inside and outside the Church.

When Grant and I married 30 years ago in 1994, we were both very religious (and still try with difficulty to remain religious), came from large families, and we wanted a large family with at least five or six children. After deciding initially not to use contraception, I was fortunate to survive birthing three biological children within three years, for I had gestational diabetes and birthed all three children by cesarian. Medical advice warned that having more children could place my life in danger. At age 32, an emergency hysterectomy was required to stop hemorrhaging. Yet, people in the Church still judged me for surgical sterilization even though it was necessary to save my life.

In 2003, our youngest child was diagnosed with Autism. We followed the doctors’ orders of 30 hours a week of Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA), speech, and occupational therapy. Sam is a functional adult today, a licensed pharmacy technician, and finishing his degree currently. His life would look very different today if he hadn’t received the necessary interventions early-on in his formative years. Yet, people in the Church judged our family for relocating to accommodate his needs. This was the start of my regular teaching career which later turned into Educational Therapy after graduate school.

Most years of childrearing, our children attended private Christian schools. There were both positives and negatives. The greatest benefit was the emphasis on marriage, but as of five years ago, I firmly believe that all people without exception should be given access to marriage, family, and its benefits, particularly legal protections.

In 2013, I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. I actually had religious leaders try to stop me from having Deep Brain Stimulation surgeries because it required permanent alterations to my brain, skull, and body, all without regarding the fact that the surgery would save my life. Seven years through today, I’m still working full-time and enjoying life versus being dead or in a nursing home.

Four years ago started the journey of fully-affirming and embracing our LGBTQ kids. To honor their privacy, I don’t have to say that many religious people are not welcoming of LGBTQ+ people because everyone knows this. The only religious people I have great respect for are those who are both affirming and reconciling. This means they fully accept LGBTQ people, and they are making consistent efforts to make amends for the harm other Christians and the Church has caused. The key word is harm because affirmation saves lives while various forms of rejection take lives away. This is current science after years of proven research and practice.

I tell our story because our story isn’t uncommon. Pope Francis says all are welcome, but according to the ones who buck him, we are not, both inside and outside the Church.

There will come a day when religious facsism worldwide will once again prove its harmful affects to those who are incapable of “being the strongest, most religious, most privileged, and the mightiest.” In our family’s case, we are trying to faithfully survive with multiple factors none of us can control which is all God expects of us. Grant and I are thankful for the closeness in our nuclear family, that our marriage reached our 30th year, and that we are still alive. We never know what people are experiencing. Be kind, always, no matter the circumstances and without exception.