Do you ever dread taking your kids to the park because you know that when it is time to leave you will probably end up chasing them around to get them back into the car? It leaves the hard, embarrassing power struggle as the last memory of an otherwise fun trip. You may even ask yourself, “Why did I think it would be different this time?”
Maybe it isn’t always our kids that need to change their behavior, but how we approach it. How can we go from angrily chasing our kids to load up the car, to chasing our kids like Jesus?
Let’s look at this common parenting struggle through the Connected Families Framework that I described in this post last week.
Connect Families’ Framework
The Connected Families framework is based on sharing four messages with our children.
- Foundation: You are safe with me.
- Connect: You are loved no matter what.
- Coach: You are called and capable.
- Correct: You are responsible for your actions.
Foundation
We will begin by asking what is going on in me. When this happened to me a few weeks ago, I was tired. We had been at the park for several hours for a dance recital that I was helping to put on.
I was also feeling stressed because I needed to get back to my job of cleaning up. Truth be told, I was frustrated with my husband for keeping me from work to help him coral the girls. And, I was feeling embarrassed because I am a parent coach and my kid is running away from me screaming and I was not truly calm.
I was not communicating the message, “Child, you are safe with me.” Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me and things began to change. I stepped into a safe and playful mode.
Connect
Alright, now we know what is going on with us, how about our kid? What is it like to be them right now?
Could their fight or flight be going off because someone fast, large, and loud (a Connected Families phrase) is chasing them? Could they feel like they have no control over their day?
My little one was tired from a long day and performing. There was lots going on so she was also overstimulated. It was also past dinner time, so she was hungry and thirsty.
As soon as I shifted from chasing her, to playfully inviting her to chase me, her face was filled with a smile and she chased me right to the van. We connected and we cooperated with each other. Both of our needs and wants were met.
Coach
What skills do I need to build in her? This one was on me. She typically is good about loading up into the car.
I did have a little calm and short conversation about why we don’t run away from mommy in public.
Correct
Once I wasn’t scary, she did just want she needed to do. She didn’t need to do anything else to make it right, but I did apologize for taking my frustration out on her. In this instance, I modeled that I am responsible for my actions which is one way of teaching her that she is responsible for her actions.
Does Jesus Chase Us?
“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.” Luke 15:20 NLT
I don’t think Jesus chases us. He looks for us and he will run to us when we are already running to him, but chasing is scary. Jesus instead invites us. He woos us. He waits for us.
When I invited my daughter to chase me instead, she came. She felt safe. She felt loved. She felt delighted in and enjoyed. That is how he chases us, by playfully inviting us to chase Him.
A Playful Option
Some parents might see engaging in play in this moment as a reward for her “disobedience.” I see it as meeting her needs, unconditionally loving her, and stepping into the parent I want to be.
Regardless of her behavior, I want to be a mom that displays the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Which of my responses, chasing her in frustration or playfully inviting her to chase me, is more fruity?
How can you be more fruity and playful in your next parenting struggle?
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