During a couples counseling session, Rebecca, 26, sat on the couch across from Brian, 27, her husband of two years, and spoke about finding out he was unfaithful to her last month. She put it like this: “I didn’t really see it coming even though we hadn’t had sex in over a year. I thought we were just going through a dry patch. But then I found a receipt from a weekend at a resort on Cape Cod and it... Read more
By far, this is one of the most commonly asked questions my clients ask me. The reason why this question is so difficult to answer is because every family is different and one size doesn’t fit all when it comes to divorce. Also, the degree of conflict in a marriage plays a large role in children’s divorce adjustment. Whether parents should stay together for the sake of their children depends to a large degree on the level of stress and... Read more
A healthy, intimate relationship is built on trust and vulnerability which involves sharing your innermost feelings, thoughts, and wishes. It’s important to remember that all couples have perpetual problems. In a healthy relationship, you can develop tools to deal with them, but not necessarily solve all of them. However, sweeping issues under the rug only works for so long. Because when couples have deep-seated resentment, it’s one of the signs your relationship is over and can be a challenge to forgive and... Read more
In a culture where girls are barraged with inappropriate images of what it means to be a female, it’s no wonder that bringing up girls with a healthy dose of self-esteem can be a daunting task. This is especially true after they experience parental divorce. Studies show that girls tend to define themselves through relationships and are socialized to be nurturers and caretakers from an early age. Fostering your daughter’s self-esteem and healing after their parents’ divorce is a top... Read more
The teenage years can be challenging for both a teenager and his or her parents after a divorce. Helping your teenager to make a smooth transition to becoming a more independent person can be complex in a divorced family. Some of the challenges that teens face in divorced families include: going back and forth between two homes, different rules in each house, loyalty conflicts with their parents, moving, dealing with parents dating just as they’re exploring intimate relationships; and possibly... Read more
I’ve often stated that one of the most important elements of a successful marriage is being able to repair your relationship after an argument. By the way, this doesn’t mean that all of your disputes will be solved. It simply means that you can find ways to restore intimacy, forgive each other, and move forward without bitterness or a grudge. Dr. Gottman advises us that couples can live with unsolvable differences about ongoing issues in their relationship as long as... Read more
Dear Terry, I’ve been married to John for ten years and I’m worried because we’ve lost the passion and loving feelings we used to have. There’s something missing from our marriage and I don’t know how to get it back. Here’s the problem – we’re more like roommates than lovers. We’re hardly ever alone and when we are, we mostly talk about our kids, Jessica and Thomas, who are three and six, and we rarely discuss our relationship or have... Read more
Sydney, 39, and Tim, 40, have been attending counseling sessions for over three months and when I asked them what they were doing to celebrate their anniversary this year, they both paused and said they didn’t have plans. Tim reflects, “It doesn’t matter what we do for our anniversary, we never really get along anyway.” Sydney responds, “This is true, it seems hypocritical for us to go out for a pricy dinner when we argue and never really listen to... Read more
While it’s normal to seek solace, companionship, and a sexual relationship after a breakup, it’s crucial to take it slow when you have kids so you can assess whether this relationship is casual or might be permanent. If you approach dating thoughtfully and consider that your children’s loyalty may be divided, it will pay off in the long run. Your kids may feel a mixed bag of emotions about you dating and even harbor reconciliation fantasies. The wildly successful “Parent... Read more
Family meetings are useful to plan events and to hash out new roles, rules and problems that exist between family members. For the most part, a family meeting is a good place to be vulnerable with each other and to let your feelings, thoughts, and needs be heard by other members in a safe atmosphere. As long as feelings are stated in a non-blameful way, solutions can be reached through compromise and good listening skills discussed under “8 Rules of... Read more
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