In a culture where girls are barraged with inappropriate images of what it means to be a female, it’s no wonder that bringing up girls with a healthy dose of self-esteem can be a daunting task. This is especially true after they experience parental divorce. Studies show that girls tend to define themselves through relationships and are socialized to be nurturers and caretakers from an early age.
Fostering your daughter’s self-esteem and healing after their parents’ divorce is a top priority because girls are so vulnerable to cultural influences. For instance, there is a lot of evidence to suggest that how you talk to your daughter about her feelings and how connected she feels to both of her parents can greatly influence her feelings of self-worth.
Additionally, divorce experts have noted that daughters are particularly vulnerable to self-doubt and fears about commitment because they tend to identify with their mothers after divorce and view her to have failed at love. Often these vulnerabilities emerge during adulthood in intimate relationships when compared to sons, primarily due to their altered relationship with their father.
Since nearly one third of all daughters have parents who are divorced in America, it makes the mother-daughter relationship would intensify after divorce – especially since most daughters tend to spend more time with their mothers than fathers post-divorce.
In fact, Linda Nielsen, author of Between Fathers and Daughters, writes “Sadly, only 10-15 percent of fathers and daughters get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting.” Nielsen recommends that mothers and fathers encourage their daughter to spend close to equal time with both parents and give her messages such as “Both your dad and I made mistakes in our marriage, but we are good parents.”
Based on more than two decades of research on fathers and daughters, Linda Nielsen notes that many mothers lean too heavily on their daughters for advice and caretaking after divorce and this can turn the daughter against her father. Another point made by Dr. Nielsen that I noted in my own research, is that daughters are more upset about and negatively impacted by parental conflict than sons post-divorce.
What role does a mother play when it comes to helping their daughters establish a separate identity and healthy self-esteem? Accepting that your daughter is different from you and has her own personality, interests, and choices will help you to stay back while she learns from her mistakes. You can’t live through her or save her from the pain that comes from growing into womanhood – but you can delight in her joys. Two of the best gifts a mother can give her daughter are the opportunity to have a strong bond with her father by encouraging shared parenting and by encouraging her independence.
In her highly acclaimed book, For Better or for Worse, Hetherington writes “In adolescence, there is a notable increase in conflict in these relationships, particularly between early maturing daughters and their mothers.” She concludes, “In addition, divorced mothers and their adult daughters are closer than divorced mothers and sons, and sons feel somewhat closer than daughters to their fathers.”
Why exactly is the mother-daughter relationship so complicated? In Our Fathers, Ourselves, Dr. Peggy Drexler notes that many mothers like to feel connected to their daughters and, in many cases, their daughters’ friends. She writes, “At a time when there is so much societal pressure to stay young, this helps keep us feeling youthful. It also helps us feel appreciated long after our children stop “needing” us to survive.
Dr. Drexler makes the point that many mothers seek validation through their daughters. In my opinion, this need could be exaggerated after divorce when the mother’s coping skills might be strained. In fact, the mother-daughter best friend idea doesn’t leave room for the more traditional role of mom and could even lead to a competitive edge between them.
Andrea has been divorced for over two years and she often goes on shopping trips with her sixteen-year-old daughter Maggie. While they both enjoy many aspects of these outings, Maggie admits that her mom may be living vicariously through her. Maggie says, “My mom likes fashion and always wants my opinion on her new outfits and I don’t have the heart to tell her what I really think.”
Lauren, a twenty something redhead that I interviewed recently stated, “Sometimes, I don’t know what the boundaries are between my mom and me – I guess you can say they seem fuzzy. I don’t like it when she confides bad things about my dad or stepfather to me because it makes it hard for me to like them. Boundaries are an important part of any relationship, but they are especially critical for mothers and daughters after the breakup of a family.
As mothers, we want our daughters to grow up to be independent and self-confident. When we are overly involved and encourage them to tell us all of their deep, dark secrets, this may make it problematic for them to break away and to establish their autonomy – a crucial development task of adolescent identity formation.
Here are 10 things I’ve learned about the mother-daughter relationship:
- Love means letting go. Try not to lean on your daughter too much. Give her space to grow and to develop her own identity.
- Your daughter is not your friend. Don’t confide in her when it comes to personal information that doesn’t involve her. You can enjoy each other’s company and be connected, yet be autonomous individuals. She’ll need to question you at times in order to find her own way.
- Create a safe atmosphere for her to discuss her feelings – be sure to listen and validate them.
- Don’t bad mouth your ex-spouse as this will only promote loyalty conflicts and made it more difficult for her to feel good about herself.
- Don’t ask too much of her. Keep your expectations realistic and realize she can’t make up for what you didn’t get from your mother or other relationships.
- Encourage her to be assertive – speaking her mind even when it might not be popular to do so. Don’t raise her to be a “pleaser.” Create opportunities for her to express her opinions and validate them. Protect her from cultural influences which focus on her role as a caretaker. She can be nurturing but still be assertive, strong, and independent.
- Direct your praise away from her body and appearance and comment on her talents and strengths. Say things like “You look so healthy”; or, I can see how happy you are –
you’re radiant.
- Be mindful of modeling healthy communication with family members and intimate partners. My research showed that parental conflict – before and after divorce – was associated with low-self-esteem in females but not males in my study.
- Encourage your daughter to have a close bond with her father. After all, a daughter’s relationship with her father is the first one that teaches her how she should be treated by a man. If this isn’t possible be sure expose her to other family male family members such as her grandfather or uncles.
- Have faith in your daughter. While it may be hard to let go, you can delight in watching your daughter grow into a self-confident person.
Lastly, accepting that your daughter is different from you and has her own personality, interests, and choices will help you to stay back while she learns from her mistakes. You can’t live through her or save her from the pain that comes with growing into womanhood – but you can delight in her joys.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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