You Don’t Have To Like Me

The desire to be liked and approved by others runs deep in most of us—maybe all of us. We are wired to connect with other humans and made to be in meaningful relationships. And when we know or sense that someone in our sphere of influence doesn’t like us, it hurts.

From the time we start school as young children, we do whatever we can to gain the acceptance and approval of others.

• If we’re nerdy, we play the smart card.
• If we’re goofy, we play the fun card.
• If we’re athletic, we play the jock card.
• If we’re musical, we play anything to fit in with others like us. Hoping beyond hope that others will embrace us as valuable.

As we enter our teen years, we might feign apathy and act as if we don’t care about being liked, but we do care. A lot.

Over time, after a broken heart or two or twenty, and after rejection after rejection, we typically withdraw in an act of self-preservation. However, our retreat from people doesn’t stop our deep-seated need to be recognized and accepted.

Of course, some seem to be liked by everyone, but even those chosen few wrestle with a latent fear of falling out of grace with their peers. These popular peeps know how fickle fame can be, and they are painfully aware of the unpredictable nature of mere humans.

I liked this article by David Matthew Brown where he says our “need to be approved and proved can be like a drug.”

We all long for love.

We all want to be valued.

We all desire to be desired.

We all check the number of Facebook likes on our latest post.

I am keenly aware that people always evaluate what I write or what I say in a talk. Regularly people are appraising me and my abilities (or lack thereof).

Is he funny? Is he practical? Is he inspiring? Is he biblical and sound? Is he smart? Do I like his style? Do I like the way he writes? Do I relate to him? Do I understand him?

Those questions run through my readers’ and listeners’ hearts and minds.

Of course, others are asking different questions.

Have I heard this before? Is that content going to help me grow? Why does he care so much about this topic? Why should I care? Does Kurt care about me?

When I write a blog, column article, or book, the tape playing in my mind often asks, Will this resonate with the reader?

Like you, I want to be liked, accepted, and approved of rather than rejected. (By the way, here’s another interesting article about this issue.)

But here are some realities I wish I would have learned decades ago:

1. Everything you do is a bridge to some and a barrier to others. Some will be drawn to you, your style, and your personality. Others, not so much, and it’s okay.
2. If you constantly strive for people’s approval, you will find it difficult, maybe impossible, to be consistently faithful to God and His call. You simply won’t be esteemed by everyone, and attempting to be is an effort in futility. It’s okay that not everyone likes you. Really.
3. Because you failed to meet expectations (reasonable or not), early fans sometimes become later critics, and that’s okay, too. You’re never going to keep everybody happy all of the time.

So, what can you do?

In the words of Brennan Manning, “Be who you is or you is who you ain’t!” Today, to the fullest extent possible, be who God created you to be. Be in Christ. Be real. Be true to yourself if you want to be true to others.

Of course, we need to grow. Without a doubt, plenty of character issues need to be addressed. I’m not suggesting that you or I wallow in the wastelands of idiocy.

But if you are not comfortable in your own skin and accepting of who you are today, right now, then you’re destined to be a grumpy, bitter, and depressed soul.

For some, my current mental, physical, or spiritual condition may be intolerable, and they don’t like me. Last week, I wrote about modern-day Pharisees and masturbation and got a lot of negative feedback.

It’s okay.

It is what it is. I am what I am. And I’m okay with not everyone liking me or what I write.

Are you? I hope and pray so.

I’m no Jesus, and even He was despised and rejected. Why should you or I expect to be loved, accepted, or liked by everyone?

The bottom line is that to live uncontrolled by the need to be liked by all is liberating, the path to abiding joy, and the only way to live first and foremost for your audience of One (i.e., Jesus)!

Jesus did not fully trust humans. He knew what people are like.

He didn’t need anyone to tell him what people are like.

He already knew why people do what they do.”

John 2:24-25  (NIRV)

You can find out more about Kurt Bubna and his writing on Twitter and Facebook. You can read more about his views and insights, both in his books and on his website.