Renew. Work. Last. Grace. Forgive.
My family in Christ, has life treaded all over your marriage? Here are five words, all based in Scripture, that can construct a lasting marriage mindset. Do you feel like you’re losing the Marriage marathon? By God’s grace, I would like to humbly share how the following verses have changed my marriage. In God’s strength, we do not have to give up on our marriages, we have to give it to God, and His Word shows us how to do just that.
Disclaimer
My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary this summer, and I am acutely aware that this hardly qualifies me to give anyone marital advice. Consider yourself disclaimed!
Pretend with me that the years of a marriage are like dog years. Since we are pretending here, let us presume that when life adds traumatic events to a marriage, it expounds the length. So, one traumatic event = 7 years. In that case, we will be celebrating our 90th wedding anniversary!
While my math might not be showing it; we have endured a lot together. Crises is sort of where we shine!
But there are far more ordinary days than extraordinary ones in the land of Coupledom. So that leads us to ponder, what about marriage in the day to day? The nitty gritty?
The Real Test of Marriage
First, it must be stated that I am sensitive to what is a very hard reality for some folks. There are horrible events and situations that can arise within a wedded relationship. Affairs, deaths, illnesses, and abuse to name a few.
Tragedies such as these, while redeemable by God, can devastate a bond, wreck a family, and break hearts.
The Bible has much to say on this subject. While there are many who can speak on this with clarity (a pastor for instance), I am not one of them, and will abstain from discussing further.
That being said, I can speak on what can really dampen your marriage: the day to day.
Husbands and wives understand that it is the trivial that tries and tests us.
How do we get over the daily?
My first proposal is: we must get over ourselves.
1. RENEW
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”(Romans 12:2)
For the first decade, I would say, of my marriage, I suffered from a SFD: Self-Focus Disorder.
You laugh, but it is not funny. I am not sure how it started.
Was it my being an only child?
Perhaps all the medical trauma I have endured?
Or was it that now-beaten addiction to watching The Real Housewives?
Does not matter. God helped my marriage by renewing my mind.
My thought life was bloated with self. I became sick of myself and my behavior, and I realized if I was tired of my shenanigans then my husband, who is too sweet to mention it, was fed up too.
And I realized that my behavior was completely self-centric, not Jesus-centered, and this was fracturing our marriage!
While some couples renew their vows formally, the Holy Spirit prompted me to have a vow renewal in my mind. In doing this, the Lord replaced my self-centered stinginess with the beginnings of 1 Corinthians 13 Love.
God recalibrated my mind by shifting focus from myself to Him and His Word. I did this by trying to orient all of my thoughts through the lens of God’s will. Of course, the Holy Spirit helped me in this endeavor!
No Longer Just My Husband
This started me down the path to viewing my husband differently. I no longer viewed him as, “Someone who should make me happy everyday, and love me (Of course he should love me).” Unknowingly, I had created some sort of love scorecard that I measured him by.
I cringe to think about it.
However, after the renewal of my mind, I saw him as he really is: a fellow child of God, my brother in Christ, and dearly loved and saved by Jesus.
This shift alone was huge. It put me on his side which I believe to be the key!
We have to come to the end of ourselves.
To do this, we should look to those before us who have something to say on the matter of humility. In the sobering words of Auschwitz concentration camp survivor, Viktor Frankl, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Thankfully, Jesus tells us how to do this.
2. WORK
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” (Col. 3:23-24).
Remember how I said I had started to align myself with God’s will instead of my own? In changing my perspective, I had a new boss I was serving in the marriage: the Lord. I no longer try to please my own flibbertigibbet heart, I aim for what God wants.
If my husband needs me to do something for him or for our family, I work as “working for the Lord.” Like doing things I know are helpful before being asked, because I am serving God!
It is a lot less easy to be put out when you are serving the Lord through your husband or family.
Do you want to know the best part? When your mind is renewed and you are working as if unto the Lord: you bear fruit. And that fruit is GOOD!
I went from having a spoiled fruit attitude, to, hopefully, bearing fruit of the Spirit : “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”
3. LAST
Previously, with every selfish request, fuss, complaint, thought, etc. I was the first order of all business. It was me and me first truthfully!
But God gently shepherded me to see that I was ultimately trying to win over my husband to my side. While I had mostly good intentions behind my wants, It did not occur to me, that I should lose to let my other half win.
When you lose your demands, you actually win overall because you free up space for the Lord’s. Just as Jesus did in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Jesus says it like this: “Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.” (Mark 9:35).
Wait a second. If Jesus, the Lord of Lords, humbled Himself in washing the feet of His betrayer, Judas… If Jesus humbled Himself to death on a cross for my behalf… (Phil 2:8) Surely I could let my husband win a battle or two.
Give your spouse the win. Set them up for success and not failure in all you do!! Talk about changing the game, I realized I was the one passing the ball and not scoring the goals. I set so he can spike. I hand the baton to him so he can finish the race strong.
Practically this could mean, speaking about what ails you instead of going silent. Unless you are betrothed to a soothsayer, you ought to give your spouse the game plan.
Being last is all about service. In being last, we win! Why? Because, our being last shows our love.
How countercultural this is! God knew it would be.
Think about Jesus. While other religions are preaching their person as a King you sacrifice to and do works for, do works until you can achieve enlightenment, or who claim you are a god- Jesus died for you because He loved you so much.
4. Grace
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
This brings us to grace. Something we humans really cannot fathom. Why? Because it is not our go to response towards others. Loving people who have sinned against you? Who does that? Jesus does.
What does a gracious love look like in the day to day?
- we hear a person out
- we give them the benefit of the doubt
- we sacrifice
- we offer mercy
- we help them to be their best
- we overlook imperfection
- we use our words to “build them up”
5. Forgive
“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32).
Those who have been forgiven ought to forgive others. And that is you and I. Simple, and yet, probably the most difficult to put into practice on our own.
Which is why, we must have faith in the Lord because He is the only One who can do good with the bad that was done to us. He is the only One who can really right a wrong.
But we must release our revenge. We must trust Him to make it right either here on earth or in Heaven. And we must see, that even if He does not do so on our timeline, “His grace is sufficient.”
A lot of people say that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, but I think it is just passing on the gift we have been freely given. For-given.
May you entrust your marriage to the Lord, dear one, for He is the One who can redeem, restore, and resurrect it- starting with you.
This post is dedicated to my husband, whom the Lord has used to sanctify me and make me a better person. I love you more than I can say.
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