I have recently given a lot of thought to marriage longevity. On the 19th of this month (October), my husband Eric & I celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. It was a bittersweet day as so much of our lives have changed in those years. Do me a favor and think back to the year leading up to your wedding day and the year following. Now, think about how many weddings you knew about and/or attended. Okay, now count how many of those couples are still married. Well?

If my memory serves well, we had 10 within our circles. Out of those 10, only ourselves and 3 other couples are still married today. Why is that and how do those of us who are still married, stay married?

Talk About Longevity

Have you ever had the privilege of visiting an assisted living facility? There you can spend time with beautiful elderly people who have some amazing stories. There are some couples there who have been married for 65-plus years, spending their last months together. And for some of those who live there, and their spouse has deceased, they report 40, 50, or more years before they lost the love of their life. The men and women in these homes appreciate visitors and love to share stories about their lives. They will tell you their happy moments and the tragic moments of their long lives together. They know sickness and health, richer and poorer.

They were not immune to the struggles that our marriages face today. I even think some of their struggles were harder. For instance, something as basic as not having the ability to check on your spouse via text, anytime you had a thought or worry. Seriously, we get nervous when they don’t reply in less than 10 minutes. Imagine waiting all day. And that is with them just at work, what if they were in a foreign country, at war with only the ability to contact each other through mail? Would your marriage survive The Great Depression? There are many people that live into their hundreds! Imagine what their lives and marriages have seen and been through, and many of them took “till death do us part” seriously.

The First Years of Marriage

My husband and I will be the first to tell you those early years of marriage are hard. I am not referring to the hard times as your marriage gets into the later years, like mortgage and sick kids. I am talking about taking two totally different people, raised by different parenting styles, two people with different thought processes, dreams and ideas coming together as one. It’s the basic where do you squeeze your toothpaste tube, t how much money is ok to spend without discussing it with the other person. It’s the, he works nights, and she works days so who does the laundry? It’s that fist big disagreement that you think is going to end it all because you have not had a chance to really get to know the other persons “love language” https://5lovelanguages.com/   It is the day in and day out of living with someone you were not raised with and trying to figure each other out. The first years are full of so many changes and a lot of adjusting to one another. Some marriages do not even make it past the first 2 years. https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/

Later In Marriage

Most of us have heard the little childhood song that goes “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage”. As our marriages progress things get harder in a different way, but hopefully we are “use to” figuring out how to handle things as a couple. Add in a baby and you add new challenges. I mean you want to be a SAHM but he was expecting you to work, or vice versa. You believe in spanking, and he does not. Don’t even get me started on in-law involvement or lack thereof.  Then what about all the expenses, illnesses, school decisions? Oh, don’t forget you need a house. 3 bedrooms or 4? Small yard or big? Country or city? The second or third baby is coming and guess what you are going to be a mini-van parent. Yep, it’s happening!

Seriously?

I realize I am pointing out only a small portion of what happens in marriage. Some things, like the minivan were in jest, but marriage and family are so worth it. Yes, there are struggles but there are so many good things, there is sorrow and joy, pain and laughter, snot and kisses, arguments and making up, sickness and health, and so much more.

So how do you make it work?

Remember the elderly couples we talked about earlier? Ask them “How did you do it, how did you stay married so long?” Most answer without hesitation “put God in the center and put the other person first” Pretty simple. Even the couples I know that are still together, most have also stated something like this.

First Comes Love Then Comes…Pre-Marital Counseling.

I cannot suggest this enough. Find a Christ centered pre-marital counselor, one that aligns with your Christian beliefs and desires for marriage. I would also suggest they themselves be married, 1st and only marriage (aside from death of spouse) and that they also have some longevity to their marriage. This type of counseling is not like mental health counseling, but it helps you approach topics in a marriage relationship that you have not considered, and some you have. They will help you talk through any specific issues you may be dealing with. Some will even help you plan your service.

Now above all of this you need to put Christ first and center in your relationship. Honestly, that should be the case even in your dating and engagement.  Love like Christ!  What does that mean?

A few verses come to mind.

• Micah 6:8   what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?
• John 15:9 -13 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love. These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full. This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
• Ephesians 5:25   Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
• Colossians 3:18-19 – Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
• Ephesians 5:33   However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
• 1 Corinthians 13:4-7   Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

There are more but what do all of these have in common? Putting the other person before yourself and laying down your life for the other person. Christ loved us so much that he died for us. He took all of our sins on himself. That is love, true and undefiled!  Are you willing to lay aside all of you for your spouse. ALL not a few things but ALL! Here is the thing, when each of you are willing to do so then you fully become one. Your hopes and dreams become intertwined. Your desires to do for the other becomes greater. Selfless love.

Is Divorce an Option?

When Eric and I began our lives together over 28 years ago, we agreed that if we move forward in marriage, divorce is not an option. Now let me clarify, there are Biblical grounds for divorce and also in NO WAY am I saying that anyone should stay in an abusive marriage. We can discuss that all at another time. What I am saying is if you are with the man or woman that God has blessed you with, if you are grounded fully in the word and you have Christ first and center, and you are putting the other before yourself…Divorce is not an option. No matter what you go through you will work it out, you will fight for your marriage. There is never talk about leaving or divorcing. When it is completely off the table then you have no other choice but to figure it out. So many people go into marriage thinking “oh, well if it doesn’t work, we can always file for divorce.”  If you are going into your marriage with that thought, do not marry. That is not the right person for you.

I realize there are those who have already married, and you did not start out in the manner we discussed. You can still choose this type of marriage. There is post-marital counseling if you are at that point. You can choose to center your lives and marriage in Christ. You can begin laying down your selfish desires and love like Christ. It’s not too late. You and your spouse can have marriage longevity.