Why is It So Hard to Forgive Sometimes?

 Yes, Why is It So Hard to Forgive Sometimes?

For those of us who were raised in the Christian religion, we know the importance of forgiveness.  The Bible is filled with verses on this very subject. Ephesians 4:32 says: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” And Psalm 86:5 says: “For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.”

And so we all try really hard to follow these guidelines.  So many times, we honestly believe that we have forgiven the one who hurt us. Sometimes it’s not easy to forgive, especially when someone has treated you so badly, maybe even physically abusing you.

I Personally Found it Hard to Forgive

When I came out of a bad marriage with a man who was both verbally abusive and, in the end, physically abusive, I honestly thought I had forgiven him and released him. I went to church each week and repeated the verses about forgiveness, always including my ex-husband in my prayers of forgiveness.

Within a few months of my divorce, I contracted Hepatitis B.  At that time there was no treatment or cure available, so the doctor advised me to get lots of bed rest. I was out of work for a couple of months, and was not getting better.  In fact, I also ended up getting pneumonia. At that point, I honestly believe that I was close to death. I had yellow jaundice, which included yellow eyeballs and skin. And the pneumonia was making it difficult to breathe.  I was actually not even able to think straight.

Jesus Spoke to Me About the Importance of Forgiveness

At some point in my delirium, I found myself sitting in a garden across from Jesus.  He smiled at me and said, “Kathy, you need to forgive C*** (my ex-husband).  I exclaimed, “But I have forgiven him!”  Jesus smiled and said, “Not completely. And what if I told you that it’s not only C*** you need to forgive?”

“What do you mean?”  I asked.  “He smiled and said, “You need to forgive yourself as well.  You believe that you were to blame for the way he treated you, and your inability to forgive yourself has created this sickness in your body.”

He continued, “C*** is a very unhappy man who has his own demons he’s carried forward from a childhood of abuse.  And he chose to take his unhappiness out on you. He was attracted to the light he saw that surrounds you and hoped that you would bring him happiness.  Yet he’s made no attempt to forgive his parents or himself, and instead turned his anger on you, blaming you for his unhappiness.  It was never about you.”

Jesus Sent Someone to Help Me!

I have relived that wonderful experience that happened more than 30 years ago.  And I was so grateful to Jesus for helping me understand the need to forgive myself as well.  And within that week, a former student who had taken my mortgage training called to tell me that “Your name just popped into my head, and I wanted to call to see how you are doing.”

I shared my illness with her, and lamented the fact that there was no treatment or cure, and I wasn’t getting any better.  She replied, “Oh yes there is!  I’m coming to get you right now!”  And she was there in less than 30 minutes!  I was living with my dad at that time, and she told him that she knew someone who could help me.

My dad helped me into her car, and she drove to a clinic run by a medical doctor from China.  This doctor could not find a pulse, and she could not get a blood pressure reading from me.  I quipped, “Does this mean I’m dead?”

A Chinese Doctor Saved My Life

The doctor shook her head and said, “You are very sick. But I can help you.”  She gave me some herbs to brew in a special pot and told me to steep them in hot water and drink the liquid twice a day.

I faithfully followed her instructions, and WITHIN ONE WEEK I felt like my old self again!  Wow!  Another miracle from God!  I had not seen that former student for over a year, yet she was led to contact me, and her Asian upbringing meant she knew about alternative treatments!

After that experience, I thought about what Jesus told me.  That my inability to completely forgive my ex-husband really stemmed from my inability to FORGIVE MYSELF.  And I have been able to help so many people in my coaching practice forgive themselves as well as the person who wronged them.

A Dear Friend Needed to Forgive Herself

A dear friend of mine continually talked about her terrible mother.  Her mother was an alcoholic, and she abandoned her daughter and son, leaving them with their grandmother to be raised.  My client continually blamed all her problems on her mother.  When I discussed forgiveness with her, she yelled, “I will never never never forgive her!  She was a horrible mother!  She doesn’t deserve forgiveness!”

I smiled and calmly said, “Yet you are also an alcoholic who abandoned your two children.  Perhaps the guilt you feel for your actions is projected onto your mother.  Perhaps it’s time to forgive yourself as well.  You have tried so hard to straighten out your life these past 12 years, and you have re-connected with your children.  They have forgiven you.  Perhaps it’s time for you to forgive yourself.”

She burst out crying and I felt those tears she shed were releasing her from her guilt and pain.  From that point forward, she made tremendous strides in meeting her goals.

And So It Is With So Many Others

And so it is with so many other people I talk to.  A woman can’t forgive her husband for leaving her for a younger woman.  Yet when gently prodded, she admitted that she was as much to blame for the breakup as he was. She needed to forgive herself.

And so many men and women I coach hate their father for the way he treated them.  On some level they believed that they did something to bring on their father’s anger, that it was their fault.  Yet when I suggested they find out of their father had also been abused, almost always that was the case.  With that discovery, they were able to forgive their father, and forgive themselves, realizing that IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THEM.

I Am So Grateful to Jesus for Helping Me!

I am so grateful that Jesus helped me realize the importance of FORGIVING MYSELF. It has helped me so many times over the years when I was able to forgive someone who hurt me in some way.  And I have discovered that in almost every situation when someone is unable to forgive a person who wronged them, that it’s THEMSELVES they cannot forgive.

And once they forgive THEMSELVES, forgiving the other person is easy!