Recently I allowed a friend with a massive following on TikTok to feature me in a video where he read provocative statements and furnished participants with both a red and green flag as the primary method of response. Statement #1 was quite easy: “She pronounces salmon with a hard ‘L’ (‘SAL-MON’).” Instant red flag. As the questions progressed, however, I realized that I was in fact walking into a trap.
Merging Finances (And Lives) In A World Of Growing Individualism
“She wants to merge bank accounts.” Without much hesitation I responded with a green flag. After we recorded I forgot about the video for a few days until my friend texted me days later with a live link. Knowing that the comments section of any content is often regarded as the modern-day dumpster fire, I had to visit. “Well Marriage doesn’t always work out so if you merge bank accounts your wife will take all your assets in the divorce,” “He’s a whole red flag and you should always have separate accounts God forbid then leave you and drain the account you [sic] screwed,” and just an overall sense of “never merge your bank accounts.”
The Real Reason For Marriage
Jordan Peterson, in his video The Real Reason for Marriage argues “This is built into marital vows: ‘I’m not leaving, ever, no matter what’.” For Peterson, this means that whenever a flaw manifests this vow implies a boundary that says “Look, I know that you’re trouble. Me too. So we won’t leave, no matter what happens.” This surmise constitutes both the fragility and the brilliant beauty of marriage. It’s a commitment to stay and be vulnerable and do the hard work to work things out. By removing outs, which include merging finances into one, a person no doubt places their security and future into the hands of another. This may make marriage the riskiest undertaking a person can ever take, thus the fragility. The brilliant beauty, and the reason such a risk is worth taking, comes from the fact that it isn’t only one person risking.
In marriage, there is no doubt a power to destroy. When someone’s well-being, emotions, and spirit are within the grasp of another, there is a risk, which has at times represented the destruction of the lives of millions. Still, the goodness, selflessness, and longevity of two people who built a life, together, overcoming selfishness and learning to merge more and more each day, is perhaps one of life’s most beautiful reminders that all is not broken. The concept of merging finances isn’t about one person controlling another. It’s two people who mutually choose to build a life together on shared dreams, ideas, goals, and responsibilities.
There is no promise in married life (or single life for that matter) to evade hardship, both external and internal. Marriage, however, creates a framework where two people have the confidence that the other will be there with them, as support and to battle through the challenges they face. As they age together in this process they also have a front-row seat to watch each other as they grow up together, celebrating and even suffering together but inevitably maturing together.
Thus, merging all aspects of their lives removes the reserve supply of chips and forces them to go all in on growing up, without an easy out. In this way, two seemingly strong individuals have the privilege and opportunity to live graciously with one another and aid them in becoming an even stronger, wiser, more tested version man or woman.
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