Another Night, Another Death

There’s a saying that I’ve heard quite a lot in my life. “Every day is a new beginning”, or “You are born anew every day”, and so on. Similar versions abound, but the idea is the same, and being the Gothic soul I am, I couldn’t help but think about the other side of this statement: “Every night is a new ending/death”.

This year has been plagued with it, and not only in the physical sense but also emotionally, mentally, even spiritually speaking. 2020 and the pandemic have changed us in many ways. Some have been subtle, some have been huge, and some of us are caught in the middle of both, trying to decide if either of those is our situation. No matter what, we will always remember the year when we all had to stay in our homes, cover ourselves like in the apocalyptic movies where death is in the air, and reinvent our lives in ways we never fathomed.

We are always so fearful about death that even when that card comes up in a tarot reading some people have asked me not to tell them anything. I’m sure this has also happened to many of you. Death is a subject we don’t like to talk about, something we want to avoid as much as possible, and let others deal with it when it happens in our surroundings. However, I’ve found growth in my many deaths.

I died a little with every familiar that passed away, remembering that our days are finite, that our clock can stop at any time. Looking and the strongest men in my family cry like never before changed the way I saw them. All of a sudden, they were not unbreakable, bulletproof stones, and neither was I. None of us are. Raised as a boy, I was told never to cry, ever, and yet there they were.

All those times, and now that I’ve seen devastating news on the TV and heard sad stories on social media, I remembered that it’s never too late to do what you want, to be honest, to be fierce, fearless, intrepid, get out of the comfort zone, to be humble, to heal, or to love. Like rock singer Amy Lee sings in her English cover of L’amore esiste, Love is never wrong and never needs a reason.

I almost died at High School, decided to end it all, overwhelmed by so many problems that I’m still amazed at how broken and powerless I was then, but also at the strength I had not to give up and keep going. I had to find energy where there was none, find my inner reserves, breathe deeper, and fight harder than never before, and here I am, after almost 10 years when I thought I wouldn’t last another night. Not a shadow remains from those times, but I learned from the experiences.

Now I know what I’m made of, what I can do when I really want it, and I’m never too afraid to push my limits and break them if needed. I learned that I’m never truly alone, that there are many above, below, behind, in front, and beside me at all times. It just takes one breath to feel them all, no matter if they are here physically, spiritually, or in the distance.

I died with every job I left after I learned what I wanted and needed from it. Looking at them, I can appreciate how I’ve changed and the many doors that opened because I left at the right time. Sometimes I left because I wanted, others because I needed, and there are even a few when I was forced to go away. It was always for the best, no matter how I saw it at that moment. It served me as a humility lesson, to appreciate not only what my parents have done for me, but also what I want to do when I become one.

While I wish I had the perfect way of income, my dream still needs some work to come true. It would be too perfect to just wake up one day and found myself in the best of places, but I wouldn’t be able to appreciate it for what it is and represents. Working on it, putting my dreams first and foremost, writing until I’m falling asleep in front of the screen, makes it all the more enjoyable because it means I’m getting nearer, every day and every night.

I die every single night when I go to sleep because I realize I’m not the same person I was when I woke up. I came, I saw, I conquered in some way during my day, and even in my nights, I keep on reaching out for what I want and deserve. I die because I get transformed. That’s what death is always about: transformation, change, alchemy, evolution, and more.

To live every day also implies to die every night. You will never be stagnant, not even when you’re sleeping or sitting still. Your mind keeps working, your heart keeps beating, your spirit keeps on soaring, and those who guard you will always be around you in case you need them. That’s a lesson I try to keep as present as possible because, again, you’re never truly alone, not even when you’re dying, ergo changing, ergo evolving.